Moms that Game

Not too long ago, I was in an online roleplaying community hangout where I was the only woman and the conversation turned to the types of the people that play roleplaying games. The prevalence of men vs. women in the hobby came up and one guy commented sadly that his wife used to be a […]Gamer moms raise gamer kids… Not too long ago, I was in an online roleplaying community hangout where I was the only woman and the conversation turned to the types of the people that play roleplaying games. The prevalence of men vs. women in the hobby came up and one guy commented sadly that his wife used to be a gamer but doesn’t play anymore. I asked him if she stepped back from RPGs around the time they started a family. The sudden realization on his face was pretty telling. The demographics of who plays RPGs has become more inclusive over the decades I’ve played, but there are still more men than women. A couple of recent polls I found put it at 60% vs 39%, or in one that offered non-binary as an option, 54% vs. 38%. I can’t attest to the accuracy of these polls, but it does line up with what I generally see in various gaming communities. One part of this that I’ve noticed over the years is that women who start a family are more likely to withdraw from playing or running roleplaying games. Anytime someone has a baby, it’s a dramatic and life altering event and things are going to have to adjust to accommodate the new tiny human. But new fathers are far more likely to find the time to keep up with their hobbies, while new mothers are the ones that stay home with the little ones.  Plenty of people, not just women, give up the hobby once they transition from the freedom of a young adult life to one with more responsibilities like family and work. As incomprehensible as it is to me, for some people gaming isn’t a lifetime hobby. I do know several men that put gaming aside once they started full-time professional jobs or had kids, but it seems more of a forced choice for women with babies. When you combine the expected gender roles of parenting with gaming, you end up with plenty of couples where dads are back gaming soon after the baby was born (if they ever took a break at all) and moms who have to wait several years to play again, or even never come back to the gaming table. Let me state for the record, I’m not a mother. I absolutely adore kids, but with the way my life played out, kids weren’t in the cards, and I’m not really upset at that. I’m perfectly content being the fun aunt or pseudo-aunt to all the kids in my life. When I decided to write this article, though, I wanted to talk to some gamers that also happen to be mothers. Their stories are varied but carry some similar themes. The first mom I talked to admitted that she had to put RPGs on hiatus when her kiddo was born. While the dad claimed he was helping, he was only doing about 10% of the caring for their child. He immediately resumed his hobbies, but she wasn’t able to play again until their child was well into grade school. During those years, she consoled herself with reading RPG books to stay on top of what was happening in the hobby, but there was no playing. No time at the table with friends rolling dice. Eventually she did get back into the hobby, and divorced that husband.   When I spoke to the second mom, her situation was a bit different. While she did end up taking a hiatus from gaming, it wasn’t because of her husband’s lack of help, but from their gaming group rejecting the addition to their family. The group refused to game at their house once the baby was born, making it impossible for her to continue playing with them while her children were very young. She did say it was her choice to stay at home and let her husband go to game night, but it still forced her to give up gaming for a time. Eventually, when the kids were slightly older, the longing to play got too much for her so she started arranging for babysitters so she could rejoin the group. For many years, that was the status quo, but eventually other issues with that group not wanting kids around, even when they were college-aged and legitimate nerds in their own right, caused a rift and now she and her husband have moved on to other gaming options.   Another mom I chatted with was the dominant gamer in the couple from the beginning. While her husband was absolutely a nerd, she introduced him to RPGs and was his first GM. When their kids were very little, they would play after the kids were in bed, with her GMing and her husband and brother playing. Ultimately, they had a good balance in sharing parental responsibilities with the kids, so when 5th edition came out and online gaming was a viable possibility, it was no issue for her to start up a larger group playing online through Roll20.   The next mom met her husband in college where they played together with friends. Around the time they started their family, many of their college gaming friends were moving out of the area, breaking up the gaming group. Between the birth of the first kiddo and the second, she ran a campaign at their house for her husband and a bunch of friends. After the birth of their second child, they put their focus on getting their RPG fix at a couple of conventions throughout the year while grandparents would babysit. Mom said that the only real hurdle she ran into when the kids were babies